14 Days Out

Yesterday I went for my 14 day checkup with the surgeon.  It went rather better than my 7 day checkup last Monday. That one was not such a success.  Without discussion or ado, the surgeon laid me on a couch in an examination room, squirted my nasal passages full of anesthetic, then went in with a camera and a hosepipe and proceeded to aspirate the living snot out of me with an air hose.

            I had, up until that moment, never really felt the vast depth and richness of the metaphor - "to 'x' the living snot out of something." The stuff that came out of there - the huge, enormous quantities of stuff! 

            I didn't react too well, I have to tell you.  For the past week my nose had been a serious no-go horror area, and now there were spouts being stuck down there.  All due thanks to the anesthetic, it didn't actually hurt, but I hyperventilated and clenched my fists and clawed at my chest and generally had 2/3 of a decent panic attack anyway.

            Eventually, I found my voice and asked the doctor weakly "Is everyone as bad as me?"

            "Oh no."  He said with feeling.  "You're particularly paranoid."
            We glared at each other - me around the spouts, he over his mask.

            "Look."  He said sweetly.  "I'm not actually doing any damage here.  Do you think you can handle the pain for a few more minutes?"  

            "Yup."  I said meekly.  "Don't mind me.  I'll just hyperventilate away quietly.  Nothing to see down here."

            But after all that aspiration I had to go right back onto the sofa for a few more days so that I didn't spring a hemorrhage.  And I was without the codeine this time, and by god it was boring.  But I could breathe through my nose, which was enough of a novelty to make up for the enforced inactivity. Except that I couldn't.  I had a gauze pad taped across, expressly to stop me doing exactly that.

            "Although I'm not sure it's a good idea, in your case."

            "Why's that, Doctor?"

            "Well, you're so paranoid I'm afraid that if I don't let you you'll forget how to breath through your nose.  Is there any chance of that?"

            Owtch!!!  Message quite received, my good Doctor!  Next time he can try going under and bleeding out unexpectedly and having a Center of Horror on your face that you were absolutely Not Allowed to Touch on Pain of Hemorrhage and then having someone stick a tube down into it and suck!?!?!?!

Today's 14 day checkup, on the other hand, involved both of us seated in chairs across a desk, compos mentis and entirely civilized.  The only uninvited party was a stethoscope.  Which was  disappointing.  I'd been girding my loins all week and was ready for a second run.

            On the positive side, the stethoscope declared me hale and healthy and healing on track - and ready to go home!  Huzzah!